12-28-2020
I scrunched up my face, took a brave look in the mirror, and drank another 10 sips from the straw. “Bleh! Eww! Ugh!” It was horrible, and my tummy was already getting queasy. My colonoscopy prep was great at cleaning out my digestive system and also great at making me sick.
I’ve been nauseated a lot in my life from motion sickness while growing up, morning sickness throughout most of my pregnancies, and recently from my chemotherapy treatment. It never gets easier. I’ve tried every remedy and medicine, but it rarely goes away completely.
I tend to associate each nausea experience with my previous ones which is not pleasant for my mind or my belly. I can tell the moment it’s starting like when I was a few weeks pregnant with my last baby, I became slightly nauseated at 10am one day while standing in the kitchen. I knew immediately that I needed to buy a pregnancy test.
It starts as an unsettling feeling across my whole belly, and then I feel as if I might throw up. I try laying down, but that sometimes makes it worse. I may get a headache from it. The toilet tauntingly looks at me as I try to trick myself. “Keep it down. Keep it down,” I repeat. I catch a whiff of that cherry lotion or vanilla candle which throws me into a fetal position. It’s too much. I can’t stand, lay, or sit, but I can’t get it out of my stomach either. The bathroom floor is cold, but my body is getting hot. I squeeze my eyes shut.
This time I’m going back to the summer days of chemo where driving up to the hospital building began to activate my nausea. It hurt when I couldn’t get up out of the chair. It hurt when I knew another week of drugs was coming. It hurt when my kids couldn’t understand that I was unable to care for them. It hurt when I missed out on going for long walks on sunny days. It hurt when I could hardly drink anything. It hurt when my mind wasn’t as wise as it once was.
The questions circled inside my mind. Why this type of cancer? Are my kids going to remember me not being there? Do I really need all these killing treatments? Is this a quality life? What if it’s still there or comes back? Why is this my suffering? Can I actually learn anything from this pain? Why are there even worse situations in the world?
Life is short.
I knew that already, and now I understood what that meant. I’d never thought of myself as immortal or indestructible, but this situation emphasized how fragile life is. God is keeping me on this crippled earth, so I need to find His will for my life making the most important question: ‘What’s God’s purpose for me?’
Let's start at the very beginning. God created a perfect world with a perfect garden and a perfect place for us to live, then sin came through Adam and Eve’s choice of disobeying God when they ate fruit that was forbidden to them. God let them make that choice, and he lets all of us make choices to obey or sin.
I used this free will to do what I wanted. Lie if I must. Want what isn’t mine. Get angry and lose my patience. Put myself before God. Worship my kids as idols. It's not okay. I was cracked at birth in my humanity through Adam, and I broke myself further as I chose my own way. There was no hope.
God is holy. God knows everything. God created everything. God is worthy. God is too perfect for my sinful presence. If only there was a way to mend the brokenness and make me good enough to be with God.
Immanuel.
Jesus steps in as God with us in humanity. He literally laid down His life to take that punishment of sin. After He died, He rose from the dead and defeated sin and Satan. He offers forgiveness to me so that I can be saved from hell's grip. I accept that gift...the best gift ever...and I choose to follow Him.
I know deeply that I must follow Him better because I love Him. I must live. I have freedom in Christ to use my experience for Him. His purpose for me is to understand suffering from the choice of sin, accept grace from Jesus, spread this good news, and faithfully live to give God the glory.
Therefore, I will spend my time with my friends and family enjoying the blessing God gave me. I will share His word with those around me giving hope to those who do not know Him. I will learn and try to be more and more like Him growing spiritually every chance I get. I will worship with my church praising our Father, Savior, and Helper. I will follow His will.
I am certain that one day I will be in heaven because of what Jesus did for me. The pain is here now because of sin, but He is with me giving me comfort and joy that I don't deserve. While I wait for my first day in heaven, I shall serve the Lord on earth. Gloria in excelsis deo!
John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
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