Perhaps one of the hardest things, when you’ve heard someone has been diagnosed with cancer, is to know what to say. A lot of this first conversation will depend on the relationship you have, but I’m going to share some general advice on what to say and how to say it.
1. Pray. One of the best things people did for me during my cancer journey was praying to God who holds everything in His hands. Either pray immediately with the person or write it down and tell the person you’ll pray for them during your usual prayer time. Don’t forget to set an alarm on your phone if you plan on praying during their tests or meetings. Use the alarm as a reminder of their medical details for a more specific prayer time.
2. Ask, Don’t Tell. Show that you care by asking about what they’ve done so far and what is expected in the future. By focusing on their unique situation, you’re helping them learn and process the information. Refrain from giving them any unwanted advice, but let them know you are willing to help with any research if needed.
3. Tell, Don’t Ask. This seems like the opposite advice my last idea, but it’s for another subject. Instead of saying, “Let me know how I can help,” tell them two or three options of things you’re willing to do to help. They might not know your skills, and it’s putting lots of pressure on the sick to think of a bunch of ideas to delegate to others. It’s much easier on the mind for a patient to say yes or no to a short list. Offer your talents by saying, “I could wash your dishes, take your kid to soccer practice, or bring you a meal on Friday. Would you be interested in any of those?”
4. Share Appropriately. If you had cancer or had a close relationship with someone who had cancer, a shared experience can be helpful or harmful to a recently diagnosed patient. This is not the best time for sharing horror or survival stories. Everyone’s type of cancer, treatment options, and medical needs are different. Now is an excellent opportunity to say something simple and meaningful. Try to say something like, “I had cancer too, so I know this is a tough time for you and your family.” Then wait and let the new cancer patient lead the conversation in a comfortable direction for them.
5. Say Anything. When life hits hard, the community is much-needed support. Many cancer patients have lots of support at the beginning and it fades as they feel like a continual burden on those around them. Keep involved in their situation and talk about current events or silly things to liven the mood. Unfortunately, divorce and loss of friends are highly talked about amongst the cancer groups I’ve been in. As soon as you know about this long health journey, set up a weekly or monthly way to stay in touch.
Compassion is about showing love to them, so keep in mind their love language. Do they prefer quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical touch, or words of affirmation? If you don’t know, ask. Make sure you’re speaking to them in their love language, but remember people like receiving affection from areas other than their top love language too, especially when other things are needed. Here are some practical ways to give and how to give them based on someone’s love language.
6. Quality Time. Schedule a visit with them and be prepared for them to need to reschedule if they’re having a bad day. Go with the patient on a short walk around the block. Join them for a doctor’s appointment and bring something so you can take notes for them. Hang out with them on good days doing their favorite hobby.
7. Acts of Service. If they are responsible for kids or animals, offer to babysit or take care of their pet. Volunteer your time and energy to do some yard work. Drive them to church or pick up groceries and deliver them to their house. Clean their bathrooms every weekend or do two loads of their laundry a week. Even if this chore is typically one their spouse does, you are able to help the family.
8. Words of Affirmation. Whether your personality is funny or serious, send a card with an uplifting message. Find Bible verses to print or write on a card so they can read God’s word wherever they go. Send frequent encouraging texts, even if they don’t always reply, they’re reading them. Say the word ‘cancer’ when you’re with them to acknowledge the actual disease they are going through. Be careful with using war terms like ‘warrior’ or ‘fighter’ as some people love referring to cancer as a battle and others find it offensive.
9. Physical Touch: Give hugs carefully in case they are feeling sick. A gentle shoulder touch during communication shows compassion. Style their hair or pamper them with a manicure or pedicure. Consider giving them a massage or a massage gift card. If they don’t have a pet and enjoy animals, think about bringing a friendly dog or cat to them for a short visit as a mini therapy session.
10. Gifts: Gift cards for food, gas or general stores will be well received by almost everyone. Give them food by making their family a meal (breakfast, lunch, or dinner) with side dishes, preparing snacks, or buying them plenty of drinks or drink mixes like hot chocolate. Find comfort items like blankets, chapstick, lotion, or socks. Being in a doctor’s office or hospital is boring, so entertainment gifts like books, puzzles, apps, or movies are perfect ideas. Free gifts are good too, so send them fun memes, recommend podcasts, or set up a website for family and friends to follow their journey or donate money to their medical expenses.
As a person who knows someone with cancer, it is not your job to heal them, only God can do that through the people and medicine He’s provided or His miraculous powers. Your job is to bless them by using the gifts and resources, visible and invisible, that God has given you.
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